I received my final grades of the first semester and I can say "I did my best but it wasn't good enough." Circumstances made me reaching the stars that I really want to cannot be achieved soon. I am in no way hurt for I have anticipated that there will be failure. At least I can proudly say that I never gave up until the end.
If a person asks me am I okay, I am not. The level of frustration that I have for myself have been significantly increasing over time. Although I always tell myself that you will still improve and become what they expect. It never happened of course. I fell down into the spiral of madness and made me realize everything was too late to fix. I learned my lesson. Tears fell down into my eyes as I look upon these numbers. The stigma of the people in my country is 'once you have a failing mark, you're marked as stupid, shameful, embarrassing and so on and so forth' I can name a lot but you can see that the society I am in, ingrained in the minds of people that we are rejects and must transfer or shift to another course. I hate that.
Graduating in college isn't a race. I've had friends from other courses who failed at a lot of major subjects but now they are becoming interns. People will struggle as they learn new things. I can attest that I too am struggling. I make a facade of being this person who is very confident but then when I contemplate I feel a lot of insecurities. I am trying various ways to make up with my weaknesses. I'm only human. I'm not a robot as what they say. I have emotions but I just don't let people see what is behind this person who participates in class yet fails horribly at written tests. It's been embedded to the minds of young people that grades = intelligence. No, grades is a standardized result from what they teacher has been telling you to learn and how you apply those concepts in the real world reaching their standards.
I am going to fix myself and prove to them once more that I deserve to be in that profession.
Yet I continue with this journey of becoming a speech language pathologist. This is what I want and I will achieve it, one step at a time.
