Year end reflection

So 2015 is coming to an end. Isn't it amazing? To be able to witness the coming of the next year and see the fireworks go out and kaboom! People cheering, doing traditions that they believe would give them good luck, people praying that someday they might be able to face the coming challenges that this so called 2016 will give at it.

This is nothing but and utter mess. An illusion that society is giving us that yes doing all those things increase the chances that you might "think" it would happen.

I am not saying that celebrating the new year is bad. What I am annoyed about is people who keeps on making promises and resolutions but in the end lacks the motivation to do it and be able to achieve what they can.

This year 2015 has been tough. I failed, I became depressed, overly frustrated for my own thoughts, was on the verge of killing myself but here I am today. I am still alive for some reason. That considering a lot of people died, why am I still here? Why are there trials? Why are there things we need to go through? Everything that's on my mind is WHY.

I've been trying to make sense of all these things. And when there are just deep stuff going on, my friends can't handle that kind of shit. Most people in my age are just party and drinking and thinking life is going YOLO. It's hard to talk to someone at the intellectual level of something that I wanted to. I get crazy sometimes.

So what is really life?

And so I end this blog this year with this reflection:

I know there is still something ahead of me but I do not know WHAT.
When uncertainty comes, we tend to stick to what we are comfortable of and that's what is NOT needed when you want change. Change happens when you take risks and then you will know yourself better.

I'll be facing 2016 with a greater challenge in my mind. I'm going to find the answers to my questions and finally accept for what has been done and move on a better and new me.

Internet Friends

Since I ever touched a computer, I have a fascination of talking to internet friends. I, being a gamer have a lot of experiences from the different parts of the world in dealing with cultures and how I can describe it as a very interesting experience. As you guys might know, I have a struggle with college and had no one to talk to about how I think and describe things in society. Then this one guy whom I have known for five years in the abyss of internet came to try and make me understand how life is. He told me about his life. How he knew he could pass but eventually failed three times. He told me how college kids in his place were and many things about failure. I told him my inhibitions in life and how it affected my performance. I just want to thank him for being there for me. If it wasn't for his nagging and philosophical thoughts, I would go insane trying to think things out in which real life doesn't seem to agree.

Thank you scrub. You won't be forgotten either. You help me shape my life and bring me back to my own roots. I won't let you get disappointed too. I'll train hard and become a level 100 pokemon with good moves to success in life.

Reaching the stars will be hard

I received my final grades of the first semester and I can say "I did my best but it wasn't good enough." Circumstances made me reaching the stars that I really want to cannot be achieved soon. I am in no way hurt for I have anticipated that there will be failure. At least I can proudly say that I never gave up until the end.

If a person asks me am I okay, I am not. The level of frustration that I have for myself have been significantly increasing over time. Although I always tell myself that you will still improve and become what they expect. It never happened of course. I fell down into the spiral of madness and made me realize everything was too late to fix. I learned my lesson. Tears fell down into my eyes as I look upon these numbers. The stigma of the people in my country is 'once you have a failing mark, you're marked as stupid, shameful, embarrassing and so on and so forth' I can name a lot but you can see that the society I am in, ingrained in the minds of people that we are rejects and must transfer or shift to another course. I hate that.

Graduating in college isn't a race. I've had friends from other courses who failed at a lot of major subjects but now they are becoming interns. People will struggle as they learn new things. I can attest that I too am struggling. I make a facade of being this person who is very confident but then when I contemplate I feel a lot of insecurities. I am trying various ways to make up with my weaknesses. I'm only human. I'm not a robot as what they say. I have emotions but I just don't let people see what is behind this person who participates in class yet fails horribly at written tests. It's been embedded to the minds of young people that grades = intelligence. No, grades is a standardized result from what they teacher has been telling you to learn and how you apply those concepts in the real world reaching their standards.

I am going to fix myself and prove to them once more that I deserve to be in that profession.

Yet I continue with this journey of becoming a speech  language pathologist. This is what I want and I will achieve it, one step at a time.

Prestissimo

Here I am again, stumbling on my blog when I should have been reviewing for exams. *laughs* but seriously, I just wanted to write again. I want to write about how I feel at the moment.

In this time period of October 5 - 10, 2015 will be my finals week for the first semester of my fourth year in this undergraduate degree and I can say it has been a pretty rough ride. Things are in this pace where I cannot catch up. I was thinking that yesterday was the first few months of the semester and now I am facing the end of the cycle. The last chance to pass... the last chance to learn and make decisions that you won't regret.

I'm having troubles lately because I do not do things in prestissimo which meant that doing things in a quick manner for music geeks. A movement that I am uncomfortable with. Last Saturday, October 3, I fell into the abyss of nothingness as I saw my pre-final grade of Aural Rehabilitation. That feeling you see 5.0 on the grade. It made me feel sad, angry, frustrated, and insane. It made me think of the things that I did regarding on that subject. Then I felt the urge to punch myself because I failed on the last two chances to make things right. Indeed I fucked up the last two exams which brought me to the downfall of my thoughts and messed things up. I know myself that I could do it but there is this feeling of me which isn't right. Is it because I was afraid to perform well? or was it because I always think it has to be perfect? Maybe I expected too much of myself? One thing was for sure and that these thoughts led me to flunk the last two exams.

It must have been my teacher. I totally love her and I'm afraid of performing badly and it became seriously bad.

I wish things could have been slower. I wish I can say to her that I'm performing badly because of my fears. I wanted to talk to her about how I admired the different philosophies that she shared in class... But I couldn't. It all went too fast and now the regrets are starting. I wanted to tell her that I wanted to be like her and that's probably why I'm like this. Rambling over and over again. My brain's ideas are scattering and failing to function. I hope that one day I will get through this.

Reality is this: Things run too fast when you're enjoying your time.

This will pass. I shouldn't give up. Always think positive.

I'm back! err. kind of.

The last post was also like that. It is so hard to keep promises. 

It's been 2 years since my last post on this blog. A lot of things happened to be honest. I graduated high school, my grandfather and grand mother died, currently enrolled to an undergrad degree of Speech-language Pathology and many more. Looking back to the years that has already passed, I think I have matured. After the relationship I had 4 years ago, the feeling of being happy alone is still quite satisfying. I just want to state here that I am seriously alive and well. If you ask me about my heart well let's just say that I am here happy with my friends. No one has captivated my heart yet. Maybe someday? hahaha.

I chose to broke off my relationship because I was thinking of the long term of what happens to me and her. In this world where it seems people are liberal but are still knit tightly onto traditional beliefs. I think safety was my concern back then. No regrets at all. We are both happy. She into her own world and mine.

What to expect from this blog?

I will be posting randomly and when I have the time to do so. My life has been quite a ruckus so expect inconsistent intervals. I am excited to post soon!

til next time.