Here I am again, stumbling on my blog when I should have been reviewing for exams. *laughs* but seriously, I just wanted to write again. I want to write about how I feel at the moment.
In this time period of October 5 - 10, 2015 will be my finals week for the first semester of my fourth year in this undergraduate degree and I can say it has been a pretty rough ride. Things are in this pace where I cannot catch up. I was thinking that yesterday was the first few months of the semester and now I am facing the end of the cycle. The last chance to pass... the last chance to learn and make decisions that you won't regret.
I'm having troubles lately because I do not do things in prestissimo which meant that doing things in a quick manner for music geeks. A movement that I am uncomfortable with. Last Saturday, October 3, I fell into the abyss of nothingness as I saw my pre-final grade of Aural Rehabilitation. That feeling you see 5.0 on the grade. It made me feel sad, angry, frustrated, and insane. It made me think of the things that I did regarding on that subject. Then I felt the urge to punch myself because I failed on the last two chances to make things right. Indeed I fucked up the last two exams which brought me to the downfall of my thoughts and messed things up. I know myself that I could do it but there is this feeling of me which isn't right. Is it because I was afraid to perform well? or was it because I always think it has to be perfect? Maybe I expected too much of myself? One thing was for sure and that these thoughts led me to flunk the last two exams.
It must have been my teacher. I totally love her and I'm afraid of performing badly and it became seriously bad.
I wish things could have been slower. I wish I can say to her that I'm performing badly because of my fears. I wanted to talk to her about how I admired the different philosophies that she shared in class... But I couldn't. It all went too fast and now the regrets are starting. I wanted to tell her that I wanted to be like her and that's probably why I'm like this. Rambling over and over again. My brain's ideas are scattering and failing to function. I hope that one day I will get through this.
Reality is this: Things run too fast when you're enjoying your time.
This will pass. I shouldn't give up. Always think positive.
