2 years ago, I flunked 2 subjects that costed me to be delayed for a year. Just before I could reach the peak of the mountain to see on the other side and become an intern, I am again at a tight spot for failing another subject. The first time I saw it my body couldn't move. My mother crying in anguish and saying things that I wanted to say. I shut my mouth, my mind, my emotions. It felt stupidly awful and disgusting. I wasn't able to express my thoughts and my mind went completely blank. Going to school trying to save of what cannot be anymore. Trying to undo things when they have been submitted and that becomes the final verdict. I cannot change the results of that class. I admit of the faults and irresponsible habits that I have. I accepted that I am still on the verge of climbing that peak although I am suffering and trying to hold on as much as I can.
After seeing my grades in front of my professor, I couldn't stop the tears that was flowing. I didn't even feel them coming. It just went out. She knew I am on the brink of breaking down and interrupted me saying "do you want to talk how you feel by tomorrow? I'll come here for you." She knows me too well that I needed someone to talk to and I know myself I needed her talk and I looked at her and agreed. After that happening, I apparently talked to my friend who was making probably papers for the rotation site she's going in. We had small talk and I myself told her I failed. She looked at me and said "I know you can do it. You're strong and stay strong" I appreciated her words but it wasn't exactly what I needed.
I went home feeling dejected and numb. If I were to describe my feelings it would just be a big black hole sucking out every light I see and now I am facing the void of my feelings. The darkest that I have ever been. It's even worse than what I felt back then. I was so close but I couldn't get it.
The next day I went to meet my professor. She saw through me and say maybe you shouldn't go over it but through it. I know what she meant. You need to go through this because it is preparing you for something bigger. She discussed about faith. Faith that someone has your back and you don't need to depend on yourself alone. It stresses me out that way. Faith is a big word though.I think that the only way to get through this is to experience it wholeheartedly. That way I can prove further that I can become a professional in this field. I can prove it that those grades aren't my true potential and it's a cliche to say this but I think I am more than that I don't deserve it which is why I am going to prove it to the world that I can become one of the best SP when I have my full determination on it.
It's crystal clear to me that there won't be summer classes on this. Possibilities of it happening are close to none and summer classes are starting tomorrow so when that happens, everything will fruit to nothing. Internship can wait for next school year.
In the upcoming semester, I will not be attending. In short it will be like a break to reflect on myself and maybe make my mindset stronger than ever before. Getting that determination of graduating as a speech pathology major. I don't care how long it'll take me because I know it'll take me to somewhere beautiful.
The next school year there won't be that someone anymore. I know that it pains me to see her off but nothing will last forever. I know she has her own ambitions and dreams and I respect that. I know that i'll find new opportunities given. I'll lose someone I trust and open my heart into. The person who listens to me and sees the light at the end of my life. The person whom I can relate to. The one I look up to. The one I cherish the most. I did promise her one thing. When she's gonna come back here, I'll become one of her colleagues. That's what I have deep inside my heart. That is my motivation. I'll never give up and see this as an opening of improving more myself.
