I received my final grades of the first semester and I can say "I did my best but it wasn't good enough." Circumstances made me reaching the stars that I really want to cannot be achieved soon. I am in no way hurt for I have anticipated that there will be failure. At least I can proudly say that I never gave up until the end.
If a person asks me am I okay, I am not. The level of frustration that I have for myself have been significantly increasing over time. Although I always tell myself that you will still improve and become what they expect. It never happened of course. I fell down into the spiral of madness and made me realize everything was too late to fix. I learned my lesson. Tears fell down into my eyes as I look upon these numbers. The stigma of the people in my country is 'once you have a failing mark, you're marked as stupid, shameful, embarrassing and so on and so forth' I can name a lot but you can see that the society I am in, ingrained in the minds of people that we are rejects and must transfer or shift to another course. I hate that.
Graduating in college isn't a race. I've had friends from other courses who failed at a lot of major subjects but now they are becoming interns. People will struggle as they learn new things. I can attest that I too am struggling. I make a facade of being this person who is very confident but then when I contemplate I feel a lot of insecurities. I am trying various ways to make up with my weaknesses. I'm only human. I'm not a robot as what they say. I have emotions but I just don't let people see what is behind this person who participates in class yet fails horribly at written tests. It's been embedded to the minds of young people that grades = intelligence. No, grades is a standardized result from what they teacher has been telling you to learn and how you apply those concepts in the real world reaching their standards.
I am going to fix myself and prove to them once more that I deserve to be in that profession.
Yet I continue with this journey of becoming a speech language pathologist. This is what I want and I will achieve it, one step at a time.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Monday, October 5, 2015
Prestissimo
Here I am again, stumbling on my blog when I should have been reviewing for exams. *laughs* but seriously, I just wanted to write again. I want to write about how I feel at the moment.
In this time period of October 5 - 10, 2015 will be my finals week for the first semester of my fourth year in this undergraduate degree and I can say it has been a pretty rough ride. Things are in this pace where I cannot catch up. I was thinking that yesterday was the first few months of the semester and now I am facing the end of the cycle. The last chance to pass... the last chance to learn and make decisions that you won't regret.
I'm having troubles lately because I do not do things in prestissimo which meant that doing things in a quick manner for music geeks. A movement that I am uncomfortable with. Last Saturday, October 3, I fell into the abyss of nothingness as I saw my pre-final grade of Aural Rehabilitation. That feeling you see 5.0 on the grade. It made me feel sad, angry, frustrated, and insane. It made me think of the things that I did regarding on that subject. Then I felt the urge to punch myself because I failed on the last two chances to make things right. Indeed I fucked up the last two exams which brought me to the downfall of my thoughts and messed things up. I know myself that I could do it but there is this feeling of me which isn't right. Is it because I was afraid to perform well? or was it because I always think it has to be perfect? Maybe I expected too much of myself? One thing was for sure and that these thoughts led me to flunk the last two exams.
It must have been my teacher. I totally love her and I'm afraid of performing badly and it became seriously bad.
I wish things could have been slower. I wish I can say to her that I'm performing badly because of my fears. I wanted to talk to her about how I admired the different philosophies that she shared in class... But I couldn't. It all went too fast and now the regrets are starting. I wanted to tell her that I wanted to be like her and that's probably why I'm like this. Rambling over and over again. My brain's ideas are scattering and failing to function. I hope that one day I will get through this.
Reality is this: Things run too fast when you're enjoying your time.
This will pass. I shouldn't give up. Always think positive.
In this time period of October 5 - 10, 2015 will be my finals week for the first semester of my fourth year in this undergraduate degree and I can say it has been a pretty rough ride. Things are in this pace where I cannot catch up. I was thinking that yesterday was the first few months of the semester and now I am facing the end of the cycle. The last chance to pass... the last chance to learn and make decisions that you won't regret.
I'm having troubles lately because I do not do things in prestissimo which meant that doing things in a quick manner for music geeks. A movement that I am uncomfortable with. Last Saturday, October 3, I fell into the abyss of nothingness as I saw my pre-final grade of Aural Rehabilitation. That feeling you see 5.0 on the grade. It made me feel sad, angry, frustrated, and insane. It made me think of the things that I did regarding on that subject. Then I felt the urge to punch myself because I failed on the last two chances to make things right. Indeed I fucked up the last two exams which brought me to the downfall of my thoughts and messed things up. I know myself that I could do it but there is this feeling of me which isn't right. Is it because I was afraid to perform well? or was it because I always think it has to be perfect? Maybe I expected too much of myself? One thing was for sure and that these thoughts led me to flunk the last two exams.
It must have been my teacher. I totally love her and I'm afraid of performing badly and it became seriously bad.
I wish things could have been slower. I wish I can say to her that I'm performing badly because of my fears. I wanted to talk to her about how I admired the different philosophies that she shared in class... But I couldn't. It all went too fast and now the regrets are starting. I wanted to tell her that I wanted to be like her and that's probably why I'm like this. Rambling over and over again. My brain's ideas are scattering and failing to function. I hope that one day I will get through this.
Reality is this: Things run too fast when you're enjoying your time.
This will pass. I shouldn't give up. Always think positive.
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