Separation Anxiety

2 years ago, I flunked 2 subjects that costed me to be delayed for a year. Just before I could reach the peak of the mountain to see on the other side and become an intern, I am again at a tight spot for failing another subject. The first time I saw it my body couldn't move. My mother crying in anguish and saying things that I wanted to say. I shut my mouth, my mind, my emotions. It felt stupidly awful and disgusting. I wasn't able to express my thoughts and my mind went completely blank. Going to school trying to save of what cannot be anymore. Trying to undo things when they have been submitted and that becomes the final verdict. I cannot change the results of that class. I admit of the faults and irresponsible habits that I have. I accepted that I am still on the verge of climbing that peak although I am suffering and trying to hold on as much as I can.

After seeing my grades in front of my professor, I couldn't stop the tears that was flowing. I didn't even feel them coming. It just went out. She knew I am on the brink of breaking down and interrupted me saying "do you want to talk how you feel by tomorrow? I'll come here for you." She knows me too well that I needed someone to talk to and I know myself I needed her talk and I looked at her and agreed. After that happening, I apparently talked to my friend who was making probably papers for the rotation site she's going in. We had small talk and I myself told her I failed. She looked at me and said "I know you can do it. You're strong and stay strong" I appreciated her words but it wasn't exactly what I needed.

I went home feeling dejected and numb. If I were to describe my feelings it would just be a big black hole sucking out every light I see and now I am facing the void of my feelings. The darkest that I have ever been. It's even worse than what I felt back then. I was so close but I couldn't get it.

The next day I went to meet my professor. She saw through me and say maybe you shouldn't go over it but through it. I know what she meant. You need to go through this because it is preparing you for something bigger. She discussed about faith. Faith that someone has your back and you don't need to depend on yourself alone. It stresses me out that way. Faith is a big word though.I think that the only way to get through this is to experience it wholeheartedly. That way I can prove further that I can become a professional in this field. I can prove it that those grades aren't my true potential and it's a cliche to say this but I think I am more than that I don't deserve it which is why I am going to prove it to the world that I can become one of the best SP when I have my full determination on it.

It's crystal clear to me that there won't be summer classes on this. Possibilities of it happening are close to none and summer classes are starting tomorrow so when that happens, everything will fruit to nothing. Internship can wait for next school year.

In the upcoming semester, I will not be attending. In short it will be like a break to reflect on myself and maybe make my mindset stronger than ever before. Getting that determination of graduating as a speech pathology major. I don't care how long it'll take me because I know it'll take me to somewhere beautiful.

The next school year there won't be that someone anymore. I know that it pains me to see her off but nothing will last forever. I know she has her own ambitions and dreams and I respect that. I know that i'll find new opportunities given. I'll lose someone I trust and open my heart into. The person who listens to me and sees the light at the end of my life. The person whom I can relate to. The one I look up to. The one I cherish the most. I did promise her one thing. When she's gonna come back here, I'll become one of her colleagues. That's what I have deep inside my heart. That is my motivation. I'll never give up and see this as an opening of improving more myself.

Year end reflection

So 2015 is coming to an end. Isn't it amazing? To be able to witness the coming of the next year and see the fireworks go out and kaboom! People cheering, doing traditions that they believe would give them good luck, people praying that someday they might be able to face the coming challenges that this so called 2016 will give at it.

This is nothing but and utter mess. An illusion that society is giving us that yes doing all those things increase the chances that you might "think" it would happen.

I am not saying that celebrating the new year is bad. What I am annoyed about is people who keeps on making promises and resolutions but in the end lacks the motivation to do it and be able to achieve what they can.

This year 2015 has been tough. I failed, I became depressed, overly frustrated for my own thoughts, was on the verge of killing myself but here I am today. I am still alive for some reason. That considering a lot of people died, why am I still here? Why are there trials? Why are there things we need to go through? Everything that's on my mind is WHY.

I've been trying to make sense of all these things. And when there are just deep stuff going on, my friends can't handle that kind of shit. Most people in my age are just party and drinking and thinking life is going YOLO. It's hard to talk to someone at the intellectual level of something that I wanted to. I get crazy sometimes.

So what is really life?

And so I end this blog this year with this reflection:

I know there is still something ahead of me but I do not know WHAT.
When uncertainty comes, we tend to stick to what we are comfortable of and that's what is NOT needed when you want change. Change happens when you take risks and then you will know yourself better.

I'll be facing 2016 with a greater challenge in my mind. I'm going to find the answers to my questions and finally accept for what has been done and move on a better and new me.

Internet Friends

Since I ever touched a computer, I have a fascination of talking to internet friends. I, being a gamer have a lot of experiences from the different parts of the world in dealing with cultures and how I can describe it as a very interesting experience. As you guys might know, I have a struggle with college and had no one to talk to about how I think and describe things in society. Then this one guy whom I have known for five years in the abyss of internet came to try and make me understand how life is. He told me about his life. How he knew he could pass but eventually failed three times. He told me how college kids in his place were and many things about failure. I told him my inhibitions in life and how it affected my performance. I just want to thank him for being there for me. If it wasn't for his nagging and philosophical thoughts, I would go insane trying to think things out in which real life doesn't seem to agree.

Thank you scrub. You won't be forgotten either. You help me shape my life and bring me back to my own roots. I won't let you get disappointed too. I'll train hard and become a level 100 pokemon with good moves to success in life.

Reaching the stars will be hard

I received my final grades of the first semester and I can say "I did my best but it wasn't good enough." Circumstances made me reaching the stars that I really want to cannot be achieved soon. I am in no way hurt for I have anticipated that there will be failure. At least I can proudly say that I never gave up until the end.

If a person asks me am I okay, I am not. The level of frustration that I have for myself have been significantly increasing over time. Although I always tell myself that you will still improve and become what they expect. It never happened of course. I fell down into the spiral of madness and made me realize everything was too late to fix. I learned my lesson. Tears fell down into my eyes as I look upon these numbers. The stigma of the people in my country is 'once you have a failing mark, you're marked as stupid, shameful, embarrassing and so on and so forth' I can name a lot but you can see that the society I am in, ingrained in the minds of people that we are rejects and must transfer or shift to another course. I hate that.

Graduating in college isn't a race. I've had friends from other courses who failed at a lot of major subjects but now they are becoming interns. People will struggle as they learn new things. I can attest that I too am struggling. I make a facade of being this person who is very confident but then when I contemplate I feel a lot of insecurities. I am trying various ways to make up with my weaknesses. I'm only human. I'm not a robot as what they say. I have emotions but I just don't let people see what is behind this person who participates in class yet fails horribly at written tests. It's been embedded to the minds of young people that grades = intelligence. No, grades is a standardized result from what they teacher has been telling you to learn and how you apply those concepts in the real world reaching their standards.

I am going to fix myself and prove to them once more that I deserve to be in that profession.

Yet I continue with this journey of becoming a speech  language pathologist. This is what I want and I will achieve it, one step at a time.

Prestissimo

Here I am again, stumbling on my blog when I should have been reviewing for exams. *laughs* but seriously, I just wanted to write again. I want to write about how I feel at the moment.

In this time period of October 5 - 10, 2015 will be my finals week for the first semester of my fourth year in this undergraduate degree and I can say it has been a pretty rough ride. Things are in this pace where I cannot catch up. I was thinking that yesterday was the first few months of the semester and now I am facing the end of the cycle. The last chance to pass... the last chance to learn and make decisions that you won't regret.

I'm having troubles lately because I do not do things in prestissimo which meant that doing things in a quick manner for music geeks. A movement that I am uncomfortable with. Last Saturday, October 3, I fell into the abyss of nothingness as I saw my pre-final grade of Aural Rehabilitation. That feeling you see 5.0 on the grade. It made me feel sad, angry, frustrated, and insane. It made me think of the things that I did regarding on that subject. Then I felt the urge to punch myself because I failed on the last two chances to make things right. Indeed I fucked up the last two exams which brought me to the downfall of my thoughts and messed things up. I know myself that I could do it but there is this feeling of me which isn't right. Is it because I was afraid to perform well? or was it because I always think it has to be perfect? Maybe I expected too much of myself? One thing was for sure and that these thoughts led me to flunk the last two exams.

It must have been my teacher. I totally love her and I'm afraid of performing badly and it became seriously bad.

I wish things could have been slower. I wish I can say to her that I'm performing badly because of my fears. I wanted to talk to her about how I admired the different philosophies that she shared in class... But I couldn't. It all went too fast and now the regrets are starting. I wanted to tell her that I wanted to be like her and that's probably why I'm like this. Rambling over and over again. My brain's ideas are scattering and failing to function. I hope that one day I will get through this.

Reality is this: Things run too fast when you're enjoying your time.

This will pass. I shouldn't give up. Always think positive.

I'm back! err. kind of.

The last post was also like that. It is so hard to keep promises. 

It's been 2 years since my last post on this blog. A lot of things happened to be honest. I graduated high school, my grandfather and grand mother died, currently enrolled to an undergrad degree of Speech-language Pathology and many more. Looking back to the years that has already passed, I think I have matured. After the relationship I had 4 years ago, the feeling of being happy alone is still quite satisfying. I just want to state here that I am seriously alive and well. If you ask me about my heart well let's just say that I am here happy with my friends. No one has captivated my heart yet. Maybe someday? hahaha.

I chose to broke off my relationship because I was thinking of the long term of what happens to me and her. In this world where it seems people are liberal but are still knit tightly onto traditional beliefs. I think safety was my concern back then. No regrets at all. We are both happy. She into her own world and mine.

What to expect from this blog?

I will be posting randomly and when I have the time to do so. My life has been quite a ruckus so expect inconsistent intervals. I am excited to post soon!

til next time.

3 Years Have Passed and I'm back

After three years of absence,I am back in a punch! Anyway what recently happened to me? Well first of all, I'm recently on my college years and my course is Speech-language Pathology at a University. Been having ups and downs. My grandfather have passed away last 2011 and all shitty stuffs happened but gradually I moved on. Well I am now here to rant more on a few things more to my posts.